Its been a while since I last wrote. Almost a year. So much has happened over the last one year. To start with I have changed 3 houses 2 countries, lost a loved one, worked, quit my job, became a full time Tarot reader and a holistic healer , yet one thing has remained constant, my desire to reflect and that has brought me back here, place I once called home, a place more familiar than the back of my hands. I have experienced countless emotions here and this wall like a faithful friend has given a patient ear. I have, since tried to write in many places, diaries, other blogs but none have made me feel as comforting and as welcome as Random Musing.
This blog was born out of extreme grief. I had just lost Dimdims, (my maternal Grandma) and she was the closest thing I had to my mom. I could not come to terms with the loss and honestly, I still have not. I wanted to unleash every single emotion I had bottled in me since her passing and thus came Random Musing. But the grief was so deep even the Wall ( as I like to call my blog) could not rescue me. I know it sounds insane, but somewhere I blamed myself for her passing. I kept telling me that if only I was there, she would see me and she would recover and a part of me will always want to believe that. In a week's time it would be a year, and it is still as raw as it was then. They say time heals everything, but then does it? I don not know, I guess you just learn to live with it, the wound heals but the scar remains and it pains every now and then. I think I will never quite come to terms that Dimdims is no more, even now I have this urge to pick up the phone and dial her number, hoping that she would pick up, only to hear the long trail of the phone ringing.
Everything else pretty much remains the same, yes May is finally over, and not without pricking me. Mum met with a series of accidents, well nothing sever but she is a fair bit of pain. Oh and as per the Hindu calendar Dimdims passed away in May, as well so that just one more to the list. I do not think something ever good will happen to me in this month, loosing 4 loved ones a nightmare hospital visit, injuries in one month is just... oh well now I am out of words and I have no idea when this saga will end if it ever does.
But on a happier note, I have taken up Tarot reading on a full time basis. I have been reading cards since the last 10 years, but I never quite thought that it would become such an important part of my life, Tarot has taught me to be patient, to reflect, to contemplate, to help to heal but most important, it has taught me to hope and to believe that sometimes things happen for a reason and one has to take it in ones stride and move on. There is a great sense of comfort and solace when I hold those 78 beautiful cards in my hands. Tarot is a what I would say tough love, it never tires, its patient knows no bounds and it is ever faithful, a mirror to your soul. It reaches out to the depth of your subconscious being and the lessons it teaches, one would never learn in a classroom. Tarot gave me what I craved for all these years, my inner being that is, a healing touch to my soul, I found my self all over again, it is as if Tarot is my spiritual mother.
Sometimes, one learns the hard way through loss grief and pain, that is when one values happiness, happiness of the that one still has and this precious gift called life. It is through the ebbs and flows of life, that one learns to live, believe and hope that there is always a better tomorrow.
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