Day 5

Time: 11:16                                                         Location Roseville, Ca

Weekend is here and before you know it, half of it is gone too..  Saturday brought good news; a childhood friend is engaged. Congratulations Charis and Dennis. I am very happy for you guys. With God’s grace may you have a wonderful and happy life. 

Where there is happiness, there is also pain. I was informed of the sudden and untimely passing of a family friend. He died of a heart attack. hail and hearty one day and you are gone the next. Life is so unpredictable. Makes you realise, that enjoy every moment of what you have, for you may not get another chance. I am still reeling in shock May is barely over and disaster strikes once again. 

But then life goes on no matter what…

Moving on, I did however manage to catch up on some quality time with the Husband ( In case I did not mention his name , its Pritish). Some times simple pleasures in life are the ones you ought to treasure the most, like a cup of coffee, a lively chat. That is what we did at our local Starbucks, followed by a rather enjoyable sojourn at Barnes and Nobles, I love that book shop. There is so much to read in this world, so very little time. Sometimes you wonder one life time is not enough.

That apart; I have friends over for lunch tomorrow so lots to do. Must go now, till the next time..

Au revoir Mon’Amie  

Day 4

Day 4                 Time:      12:09                Location: Roseville, Ca

It felt so good to write again, I was back in my comfort zone. Words just seen to pour out. I am glad I resurrected my blog finally. Moving on, yesterday was busy I had some errands to run and then off course I had a whole host of tarot readings to do. I have been meaning to sit with my cards for a while, a friend's request,  father's query and a husband's curious mind, all need to be looked into. I finally did manage to to resolve some of the issues and it was an interesting session after all. The readings went on for quite some time and trust me you reel from a post reading syndrome. It is tiring, your mind is over active, and you are constantly diving into your intuitive self, and that coupled with a back ache may not be the best of the business. I am yet to recover from yesterday's session. I feel exhausted and sleepy but then there is no time for that.

I promised the Husband a Friday night special dinner I would cook and then I have friends coming over on Sunday and if that wasn't enough I have a trip planned to Ikea that I have been putting on the back burner for a while. The weekend looks like it is full of swift action.. Then Monday week (6/9) I start a new phase, of which I shall talk in my subsequent posts. So I right now I kind of feel like the 8 of Wands, too much happening , too much to do in a short span.. But the good thing is that I am not moping or sulking, Sometimes it is good to be busy, it gets you moving.

Speaking of cooking, I do have a food blog at http://www.bongkitchens.wordpress.com do drop by. 

Right got to run now lots to do, I shall be back again sometime tomorrow to chronicle my thoughts... till then

Au revoir Mon'Ami

Finding a way back..

Its been a while since I last wrote. Almost a year. So much has happened over the last one year. To start with I have changed 3 houses 2 countries, lost a loved one, worked, quit my job, became a full time Tarot reader and a holistic healer , yet one thing has remained constant, my desire to reflect and that has brought me back here, place I once called home, a place more familiar than the back of my hands. I have experienced countless emotions here and this wall like a faithful friend has given a patient ear. I have, since tried to write in many places, diaries, other blogs but none have made me feel as comforting and as welcome as Random Musing. 

This blog was born out of extreme grief. I had just lost  Dimdims, (my maternal Grandma) and she was the closest thing I had to my mom. I could not come to terms with the loss and honestly, I still have not. I wanted to unleash every single emotion I had bottled in me since her passing and thus came Random Musing.  But the grief was so deep even the Wall ( as I like to call my blog) could not rescue me. I know it sounds insane, but somewhere I blamed myself for her passing. I kept telling me that if only I was there, she would see me and she would recover and a part of me will always want to believe that. In a week's time it would be a year, and it is still as raw as it was then. They say time heals everything, but then does it? I don not know, I guess you just learn to live with it, the wound heals but the scar remains and it pains every now and then. I think I will never quite come to terms that Dimdims is no more, even now I have this urge to pick up the phone and dial her number, hoping that she would pick up, only to hear the long trail of the phone ringing.

Everything else pretty much remains the same, yes May is finally over, and not without pricking me.  Mum met with a series of accidents, well nothing sever but she is a fair bit of pain. Oh and as per the Hindu calendar Dimdims passed away in May, as well so that just one more to the list. I do not think something ever good will happen to me in this month, loosing 4 loved ones a nightmare hospital visit, injuries  in one month is just... oh well now I am out of words and I have no idea when this saga will end if it ever does. 

But on a happier note, I have taken up Tarot reading on a full time basis. I have been reading cards since the last 10 years, but I never quite thought that it would become such an important part of my life, Tarot has taught me to be patient, to reflect, to contemplate, to help to heal but most important, it has taught me to hope and to believe that sometimes things happen for a reason and one has to take it in ones stride and move on. There is a great sense of comfort and solace when I hold those 78 beautiful cards in my hands. Tarot is a what I would say tough love, it never tires, its patient knows no bounds and it is ever faithful, a mirror to your soul. It reaches out to the depth of your  subconscious being and the lessons it teaches, one would never learn in a classroom. Tarot gave me what I craved for all these years, my inner being that is, a healing touch to my soul, I found my self all over again, it is as if Tarot is my spiritual mother. 

Sometimes, one learns the hard way through loss grief and pain, that is when one values happiness, happiness of the that one still has and this precious gift called life. It is through the ebbs and flows of life, that one learns to live, believe and hope that there is always a better tomorrow.   

All About Growing up

As you grow older

Reflecting comes naturally...

You look back and all that you have lived and loved. All those you have left behind in your quest to grow up. Part of growing up is great. One tends to appreciate things better. I have always been fond of Tagore and his compositions but I now I listen to them and not just hear. The words have a meaning in my life.

You discover that you have the enormous ability to empathise with others

There is clarity in most of what one does, there is always a perspective and you perceive things with far more depth

When you are young there is a fire brand in you but age tempers you and you know but shouting and being a rabble rouser you will not be able to make much difference and perhaps drown among the millions like you.

As a young gun you equate happiness with want with age you learn it is not about what you want but appreciate what you really have and that there is no real end to desires and wants.

You grow older and realise that it is the humility of wisdom that holds than the pride of knowledge.

Then:

If you are asked what are the things you love and then you have to think hard to pen them down because you have never really thought about them. In your quest to grow up you have forgotten to ponder upon things that really made you happy and instead joined the rat race to seek perceived happiness, you wonder of that list you made as a child things I would do when I grow up and you realise you have really not done much. You want to retrace your path back but you have too come far..

You realise that the promise you made to yourself that when I grow up all will be good all will be right has never been full filled and that you are rid with faults more than ever. All you wanted to do as a child was to grow up and you wonder how much of it you have really achieved... There has always been so much to be done but when you are, running the last lap and you have never really lived . You want to live before you die...

All your life you wished that you had a meaning to your existence and you never really got around to fulfill it.

Suddenly, you wish you could be all good, undo your wrongs, solve your trammels but you know it is too late. It dawns upon you that perhaps you will never be complete and then you ask yourself..

Is the grass really green on the other side. Is all this honestly, worth it...

Sit back and try to think, reflect and soak it the different emotions.. 

Here I can think of a song by Tagore it  fit perfectly into life....

You lament upon all that you could have done and  never really got around to do so yet there is hope and immense joy in waiting and appreciating all that has touched you and all those have walked into your life :

My heart has often wondered about all that I never achieved

In the depths of my heart there is this strange music

Reminding me of all that I have loved and lived

Like the winds of spring that have filled my garden..

The tears in my eyes

Are the reflections of the pain and sorrow I hold in my heart

Through my tears I have quietly worshipped,

I have slipped in my quest,

 Yet, I have managed to keep the tune alive....

The original song reads : "Ki Payini tari hishab milatay "

This is my translation of the song , it is not literal but I have attempted to capture the essence

Tallying the Balance Sheet

It is one of those days when I get a chance to sit back , reflect and examine life, its ups and downs, and the many shades it has shown me. And I cannot help wondering how it feels to reach the twilight of ones journey ,looking at the successes and failures, those that I should have got, I could have got and those that I lost out on and adding up the balance sheet of life in general....  Then you realise, everything, you, me and life in general is ephemeral and as it came, so it should go so learn to let go for the harder you try to hold on, the faster it slips away..... Here I am reminded of one of Tagore's songs where he laments upon the time when life was like a flower.. So I try and pen down my translation of his words.. To this I shall only add, oblivion would only lead to rejuvenation and to a new beginning... 

When life was like a flower, it had hundreds of petals

In Spring of giving it would shed , yet it had so much give

But now that it is in its Autumn, laden with fruits

Its time has ebbed

And now it would give of itself full measure, drooping with the burden sweetness

Slowly disappearing into oblivion